Afraid

ph & editing by me

I crave to be accepted for who I am on my darkest days. I want you to see how tangled I am with my past, how high my ego is. I want to shower you with all of my imperfections. I know it will scare you off and I know it shouldn't be this way but I believe that the best part of me is something that you need to fight for, not something that was made to please you. I stay devoted to the people I care about. I have a huge dream. You will soon realize how softhearted I am- but only if you choose to stay a little longer. I hope you do but I can't force feelings and I certainly have no rights to keep you.

So I'll wait, even though waiting is tiring. To bring a stranger into your life and allow him to catch a glimpse of what it's like to have you around and was thrown away because you don't belong in his expectations- well that sucks. And I can't bear to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Maybe I didn't try hard enough or maybe I should have stop trying way too hard. Either way, it's eating up my bar of patience and I'm beginning to lose hope. I just, I hope you will stay. I don't know who you are yet, and I'm starting to feel like I wouldn't even meet you in the end. Please appear to where I'm typing right now because I need you to hold my trembling hand and tell me that it is all okay now. Please, find me. Find me quick. Because I'm tired of pushing people away without my consciousness. And I'm afraid I might had pushed you away too.

xoxo,

fyzie zissy

Feeling happy

Feeling happy is when you don't know the right way to describe it, the right moment to put into metaphor or the right feelings to put into words. But yet it feel so whole- so complete that nothing else seems to matter. So..priceless. I came to a conclusion that it doesn't matter what happiness truly means because it's something that you can't see or describe it perfectly in words. When you feel it, you know it's happiness. But how do you know that? It's still an answerable question. So despite all the definitions about happiness, I came to realize that happiness varies depending on how you wanna see it as. You can choose to be happy or be sad instead. It's a choice. Happiness, is a choice.

xoxo,

fyzie zissy

What my half-conscious-self wrote at 3am yesterday

(Pitch perfect)

I'm not that kind of person who would wake up at 6.30am in the morning and jog around the park for half an hour before she returned home for a cup of coffee and stood there for a couple of minutes as the sun yawns at her. Sometimes I wake up at 8 feeling so happy for myself because I get to feel the feeling of waking up to the sunrise because most of the time when I get up, it was already the time for lunch. I wouldn't say that I'm socially awkward because the last time I check my certificates I'm pretty damn sure that my name was written on a piece of paper saying that I was the best debater in school- despite my poor grammars and synonyms, I was convinced that the way I deliver my messages is clear and convincing enough. I spend most of my days reading books on my bed with the presence of my 13 years old cat in my messy room that I wouldn't care less to clean it up. Because I'm a messy person. But I am a perfectionist when it comes to washing the dishes. I don't mind spending my full hours at home or anywhere that my mum set me up to. I'm not bounded by her rules nor am I trapped in my curfew but I came to realised that most of the mistakes I've made in the past was the consequences of trying to prove her that I can make things right without her advices- which I now realize that I don't.

If I am not likable for who I am, that won't change what I feel about myself. If someone who fall for me came to realised that I am deeply emotional on my dark and sorrow days suddenly stop talking to me- what do i have to lose?

I wish I have a better sense in what guys look for a girl. But I don't feel bad about myself because I don't have it. In fact I'm tired of self pitying. If someone can't accept me for my dark side then why bother hanging around in my life trying to figure out why I still curse when I tumble down on my own feet? I channel so many problems down my throat that at certain times I just don't feel like I'm here in this world because someone out there need to be impressed before they could actually be interested in knowing me. This is not a rant about my physical appearances because I'm pretty confident in wearing size 8. This is a rant about something way beyond that. Something that someone special going to discover it by himself and feel disgusted about the ugly truth hidden behind the pretty face. Well to me it's called reality. Because everybody have their baggage they carry with them for years trying to find someone who wouldn't mind to take that baggage away from them. But in my case, I wish to have someone who would, for once, are sincere enough to help me to carry it. Because when they do, they'll plant a little piece of faith in me that I will soon open up that baggage and show him the real content of it. And that's when all the the untold secrets seems to be worth sharing- because I've found the right person to share it with. And I don't mean to forget about my secrets- I just want to get over it and find the reason why I did it in the first place.

So until I found that person, my baggage will remain heavy-untouched-and scared people away.

xoxo,

fyzie zissy

Spm updates

phs by me and my sister

Sejarah was quite hard. So do Physics paper 1.
But everything else seems to went well.
Alhamdulillah.

Oh and yes, 2 more papers to go! *\(^o^)/*

xoxo,

fyzie zissy

Goodbye high school

Growing up, I have an enormous issue with fitting in, being accepted-especially during my high school life or probably just during my high school life. But it's less than a week till I leave high school. Will I miss this place? No. But I will definitely miss the memories I've made here. I'll miss the feeling of being here but I'm one step ahead of growing older- stepping into adulthood. And I can't wait for that because only God knows how suffering it is to face another day in high school feeling like you've tried your best but it's still wasn't good enough. It's always not good enough.

A great friend of mine once told me that once she leave high school, nobody will know where she'll be at, who will she become. She wanted to start it all new, be a new person. At first, I think she was being ridiculous but as time keep on ticking, I've started to reconsider her idea and I'm growing to love it. I'll be in the school photos but the memories of me will be so blurry- it's like I never exist. But sometimes I just wonder, when my schoolmates grows older, look at their high school photos and came across my figure,

What do they got to say about me?

xoxo,

fyzie zissy

One last glimpse

phs & editing by me

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but some day not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And, most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." -Steve Jobs (2005)

I can do this. It's just SPM.

xoxo,

fyzie zissy

Wordless Wednesday #7

Guess whose birthday is today? *grin*

xoxo,

fyzie zissy