I may not know everything about life. But here's a bit of my experiences. Nazihah Anuar, 19, Malaysia

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Fast forward 6 months

I miss the memories that I left behind. Behind those pains and loneliness, I've found peace and my own kind of happiness that no one understands. I've been meeting so many new faces since then but I feel more invisible than I ever was before. A stranger, unimportant, but when I open up myself to greater challenges and opportunities, I learnt that everyone has their own nightmares but they are fearless. They don't know what might come tomorrow but they're ready for any risks coming from the decisions they made. They enjoy and live the moment, and what inspired me the most is that they give back everything that they have- let it be a small thing. But it's the small, simple things that count. I'm deeply thankful for this (current) phase of my life. I've grown to love the people I met who soon became my friends here and they couldn't be less than wonderful. It brings me to surprise me how nice and understanding some people can be. I've been shrinking my circle of people whom I trust expecting them to understand me the most; only to realize that they met greater person who fits their in their life perfectly. And it's fine with me because I too found people who doesn't criticise my choices in life. I feel like belong to where I am now and it sucks that I only feel this overwhelmed when I'm a month away till I'm done with my foundation.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Current feelings

When I look at myself, I don't know who or what I want to be. I can't really justify the meaning of originality or the phrase 'be you' anymore. I don't know who I am. I don't know what do I stand for. Heck, I don't even know if I am doing something right. I just don't fucking know. Sigh.

xoxo, 
fyzie zissy

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

About writing

Writing has helped me through my darkest times when I was too embarrassed to ask for help. It was through writings that I was able to built a bridge made of reckless and poisonous thoughts to a place that brought me to the people who (used to be strangers then but) means a lot to me now. I remember flipping the page of my journal to the part where I wrote a letter to the person I adore so much and shamelessly asked him to read it. Little did I know, he fell in love with me through every words written in fears and insecurities. And he managed to grabbed me out of my dreadful thoughts and made me realized of so many things that I should feel lucky for. He thinks that my deep passion about emotions are rather fascinating than a burden for him to help with. My past failures has brought me to a world full of hopes and chances. I miss writing a lot of honest thoughts when I was in the state of being depressed- falling off the cliff into a pool of negativity. But nothing can ever compare to the feeling of being content towards everything. You know, to wake up everyday expecting something great is about to happen, to love what you're doing and doing what you love, to find peace when you're alone, to feel someone's love when they're worried sick about you...those kind of things that you'll tend to overlook when you're too busy being a slave to your sad feelings.

However, I'm still grasping for inspirations to write down the way I feel right now because to me, writing anything that's related to happiness is pretty hard when you're used to being sad and depressed the whole time. I know I haven't been updating my blog as frequent as I used to but trust me, I've been meaning to find the right time and inspirations to do so. Still, I failed too many times. I realize that my love towards writings and the whole idea of blogging had never die. They just faded away but they're still there; holding a rebel inside of me trying to set free through the tips of my hand.

xoxo,
fyzie zissy

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Quick Update #6

I'm proud of who I am; how I ended being the person I am today. But I can't deny the fact that sometimes I wish I'm living in someone else's life. Someone luckier. I wish I can see what others see in me. I want to believe in all the compliments that I received and actually reflect on it and be grateful for everything that I have now. I am grateful..but I'm not grateful enough to the point where I feel complete. And I've been praying for that feeling since forever; to feel as if that everything I have now is enough for me.
“Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living. You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough.” -Daniell Koepke
xoxo,
fyzie zissy

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Afraid

ph & editing by me
I crave to be accepted for who I am on my darkest days. I want you to see how tangled I am with my past, how high my ego is. I want to shower you with all of my imperfections. I know it will scare you off and I know it shouldn't be this way but I believe that the best part of me is something that you need to fight for, not something that was made to please you. I stay devoted to the people I care about. I have a huge dream. You will soon realize how softhearted I am- but only if you choose to stay a little longer. I hope you do but I can't force feelings and I certainly have no rights to keep you.

So I'll wait, even though waiting is tiring. To bring a stranger into your life and allow him to catch a glimpse of what it's like to have you around and was thrown away because you don't belong in his expectations- well that sucks. And I can't bear to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Maybe I didn't try hard enough or maybe I should have stop trying way too hard. Either way, it's eating up my bar of patience and I'm beginning to lose hope. I just, I hope you will stay. I don't know who you are yet, and I'm starting to feel like I wouldn't even meet you in the end. Please appear to where I'm typing right now because I need you to hold my trembling hand and tell me that it is all okay now. Please, find me. Find me quick. Because I'm tired of pushing people away without my consciousness. And I'm afraid I might had pushed you away too.
xoxo,
fyzie zissy

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Feeling happy

Feeling happy is when you don't know the right way to describe it, the right moment to put into metaphor or the right feelings to put into words. But yet it feel so whole- so complete that nothing else seems to matter. So..priceless. I came to a conclusion that it doesn't matter what happiness truly means because it's something that you can't see or describe it perfectly in words. When you feel it, you know it's happiness. But how do you know that? It's still an answerable question. So despite all the definitions about happiness, I came to realize that happiness varies depending on how you wanna see it as. You can choose to be happy or be sad instead. It's a choice. Happiness, is a choice.

xoxo,
fyzie zissy

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

What my half-conscious-self wrote at 3am yesterday

(Pitch perfect)
I'm not that kind of person who would wake up at 6.30am in the morning and jog around the park for half an hour before she returned home for a cup of coffee and stood there for a couple of minutes as the sun yawns at her. Sometimes I wake up at 8 feeling so happy for myself because I get to feel the feeling of waking up to the sunrise because most of the time when I get up, it was already the time for lunch. I wouldn't say that I'm socially awkward because the last time I check my certificates I'm pretty damn sure that my name was written on a piece of paper saying that I was the best debater in school- despite my poor grammars and synonyms, I was convinced that the way I deliver my messages is clear and convincing enough. I spend most of my days reading books on my bed with the presence of my 13 years old cat in my messy room that I wouldn't care less to clean it up. Because I'm a messy person. But I am a perfectionist when it comes to washing the dishes. I don't mind spending my full hours at home or anywhere that my mum set me up to. I'm not bounded by her rules nor am I trapped in my curfew but I came to realised that most of the mistakes I've made in the past was the consequences of trying to prove her that I can make things right without her advices- which I now realize that I don't.

If I am not likable for who I am, that won't change what I feel about myself. If someone who fall for me came to realised that I am deeply emotional on my dark and sorrow days suddenly stop talking to me- what do i have to lose?

I wish I have a better sense in what guys look for a girl. But I don't feel bad about myself because I don't have it. In fact I'm tired of self pitying. If someone can't accept me for my dark side then why bother hanging around in my life trying to figure out why I still curse when I tumble down on my own feet? I channel so many problems down my throat that at certain times I just don't feel like I'm here in this world because someone out there need to be impressed before they could actually be interested in knowing me. This is not a rant about my physical appearances because I'm pretty confident in wearing size 8. This is a rant about something way beyond that. Something that someone special going to discover it by himself and feel disgusted about the ugly truth hidden behind the pretty face. Well to me it's called reality. Because everybody have their baggage they carry with them for years trying to find someone who wouldn't mind to take that baggage away from them. But in my case, I wish to have someone who would, for once, are sincere enough to help me to carry it. Because when they do, they'll plant a little piece of faith in me that I will soon open up that baggage and show him the real content of it. And that's when all the the untold secrets seems to be worth sharing- because I've found the right person to share it with. And I don't mean to forget about my secrets- I just want to get over it and find the reason why I did it in the first place.

So until I found that person, my baggage will remain heavy-untouched-and scared people away.

xoxo,
fyzie zissy